


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: A Fragmentary Passage

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [16]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Humor, I Didn't Actually Play This One, It's Really Just An Explanation Of What Happened To Mickey's Shirt Guest Starring Aqua, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Song Lyrics, That I Am Probably Not Qualified To Make, This Glorified Demo Alone Does Not Justify Me Rebuying 3D, discussions of depression, obscure references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-15 14:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15415359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: Because why not. Contains all of the hype for Kingdom Hearts III, me insulting those who try to dress up their waifu, and the game seemingly encouraging the suppression of all negative emotions at all times while low-key shaming those who far more healthily allow themselves to feel.





	1. What's

**Author's Note:**

> **This Is The First (And Hopefully Only) Time I'll Be Parodying A Game I Have Never Played:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Harry Potter, Family Guy, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Arrowverse, Archer,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Cowboy Bebop, Yakuza 4, Silent Hill,_ TFS Gaming, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **This Is The First (And Hopefully Only) Time I'll Be Parodying A Game I Have Never Played:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Harry Potter, Family Guy, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Arrowverse, Archer,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Cowboy Bebop, Yakuza 4, Silent Hill,_ TFS Gaming, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Nope, still not paying full price just for this title, sorry.~

**Fenrir:** *is the only Keyblade I recognize within the Keyblade Graveyard amongst all the others*

**Kingdom Hearts: Moon Edition:** *appears through the clouds above what _looks_ like a Starlight Keyblade*

**Bunch of light fragments:** *float upward toward the moon*

**Presumably!Luxu:** *watches while holding No Name in front of him*

**Black box:** *is still next to him*

**No Name's weird Master eye thing:** ...Okay, is this the end of BBS or the end of the mobile game?

**Keyblade Graveyard:** *stiiiill has a butt-ton of Keyblades I can't identify off-hand*

~Like, am I just a bad fan, or...?~

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay, KHIII is _totally_ almost here, you guys, this is _absolutely_ the last game before the game you actually want to come out, swearsy realsies.

**Riku and Kairi:** _Riiiiiiiiight._

**Mickey:** I don't believe you!

**Noiti Sopxe:** As you know—

**Riku:** Every section with you is poorly written because you keep saying lines like that? We know, we went over this last parody.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Shut up, we gotta protect the princesses and shit.

**Kairi:** Still not all that clear on how I'm royalty — HOLY SHIT this new graphic style makes your haircut look _soooooo_ much better...

**Riku:** Thanks, I was hoping that would be the case.

**Noiti Sopxe:** So basically the main driving force behind KHIII's plot thus far is to get _all_ the warriors. And I can think of three dudes right off the bat from eleven years ago, roughly. So. Yeah. We should get those guys. Ventus, Terra, and Aqua still have shit to do. Which is the only real reason I want to help them; had they outlived their collective usefulness, I would not have had a single fuck to give.

**Kairi:** ...Fucking harsh, dude.

**Riku:** Yeah this guy's kind of an asshole. There’s the dick that you’re like, “Ahh, that guy,” it’s like, “Oh that crazy guy’s doin’ that thing again!” And then there’s the — “Man, he just kicked my dog! What kind of asshole goes around kicking people’s pets?!”

**Kairi:** And which one's this guy?

**Riku:** It's not a hundred percent clear.

**Noiti Sopxe:** I think Ventus had the least bad thing happen to him. While his heart was busy talking Sora into becoming his Horcrux, his body kind of just slipped into a coma, so Aqua hid it inside the remains of the Land of Departure which she had transfigured into Castle Oblivion.

**Riku:** ...WELL I CAN SAFELY SAY HE'S NOT IN THE BASEMENT.

**Noiti Sopxe:** No you can't, Aqua set it up so only she could find and access the Chamber of Waking.

**Riku:** Oh. That works too, then.

**Noiti Sopxe:** And then Aqua sacrificed herself so that Terra would have a chance. Which he didn't so she kind of got trapped in the Realm of Darkness for basically nothing. I'm sure that will have no long term ill effects.

**Mickey:** Time for story time?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Why not, we got two to six hours to kill, and that's being exceedingly generous.

**Mickey:** Awesome. So yeah, we totally hung out for like two seconds back during the KHI timeline in the Realm of Darkness, it was pretty sick, especially since she looked so well and in full control after ten years of being trapped down there.

**Riku and Kairi:** Well that's fine but I don't see how that affects _WHAAAAAAAAAAAAH!?_

~I get they wanted to avoid another beginning tutorial of KHII fame, but I don't think anyone would've minded this being the beginning section of KHIII.~

**Ocean:** *is pretty*

**Presumably!Tinker Bell:** *floats around and creates the Disney Interactive Studios logo* Holy shit this game is legit gorgeous I am so _hyped._

**Square Enix logo:** I think this is the first title without any other Squeenix characters whatsoever. Fuckin' weird, man.

**Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep ~A fragmentary passage~ title card:** *is not a mouthful in any way whatsoever* IN YO FACE, BITCHES!

**Underwater bubbles:** ...We doing the opening to the first Pokémon movie, what's happening here? *floats up to the sunlit surface right next to Destiny Islands*

**Five-year-old Riku and four-year-old Sora and Kairi:** *run out to the water* WE'RE CHILDREN, WE'RE CHILDREN, WE'RE CHILDREN, WE'RE CHILDREN!

**Riku:** *points at the water* Oh hey look, another “Simple and Clean” remix.

**BUBBLES!:** Yeah, that's not getting tired at all, is it.

**Riku:** *splashes the other two while they're both ankle deep in the water* So what do you guys think of this version, I don't think I like it much.

**Sora:** I think it grows on you, and I also think that you're gonna sing along once it gets going regardless.

**Riku:** This is true, I accept this.

**Kairi:** Anyone know where Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie are in these flashbacks?

**Sora:** Anyone care?

**Kairi:** Fair point.

**Aqua's Wayfinder:** *is now floating just below the surface of the water*

**Sora:** Wait, how does glass float, is it the tide coming in or what? Also why am I now able to stand on the surface of the water, am I now literally Jesus as well as figuratively? *reaches down*

**Camera:** *pans way, way below the surface to show off Aqua, also standing on water in the center of a glittering spotlight, staring at her Wayfinder that was just floating by the surface seconds ago*

**Aqua:** Well at least this shit's still shiny, that counts as light I guess. *clutches it to her chest and falls backward into the depths, opening her eyes to see Sora's stain glass representation of a heart* ...Well that shit's bright — AHH MY RETINAS!

**All three Wayfinders:** *fall into water as we see not-quite stock footage of Ventus, Aqua, and Terra all staring at their glowing Wayfinders*

**Master Xehanort:** Hi, I'm the overarching villain of the series! *slashes at the camera*

**Aqua:** There was that one time me and Terra fought at the beginning of BBS where I totally owned his ass! And this image of him walking away from me within my Wayfinder almost makes it appear that the conflict was more about him being butthurt about me beating him than it was about him getting possessed and no longer being in my reach. Which, I mean, I guess me beating his ass didn't _help,_ but...

**Ventus, Terra, and Aqua:** Hey, remember when we were wearing badass capes in addition to our armor in the big finale of BBS? US EITHER! A-HYUK!

**Aqua:** And then my helmet came off.

**Terra:** This is a good shot of me within my own Wayfinder. Don't understand why it has to be in every frame of glass, but...Wait, my eyes didn't even turn yellow at that point! Are we just reusing actual stock footage of other previous cinematic montage cutscenes? 'Cause...'Cause that's kind of really fucking lazy.

**Ventus:** I want a cool shot of me within my Wayfinder too! But look quickly before it completely spins out of your reach! Also I was frozen that one time.

**Ventus and Terra's Wayfinders:** *symbolically explode*

**Aqua's Wayfinder:** *symbolically continues to descend*

**Aqua:** More stock footage of us fighting Master Xehanort, what, three games ago now?

**Aqua's Wayfinder:** *continues to sink until it stops sinking in water and starts falling through a starry sky only to land in Aqua's hand once again in the Land of Departure*

**Ventus and Terra:** *are also holding their own Wayfinders*

**Aqua:** Aww, did I just give these to you? I don't really remember it being so bright out, could've sworn this happened at night during a meteor shower, but whatever, I'm just happy to see my friends again.

**Ventus and Terra:** Yeah, about that... *vanish and their Wayfinders drop*

**Aqua:** What the shit! *reaches down to catch them as the ground dissolves and is replaced by a pool of still water that she is once again standing on, her reflection being upside-down visions of Ventus and Terra instead of a normal reflection*

**Terra:** My Wayfinder sinking and me turning away is symbolic of me being possessed by some old guy who wants to force me into furthering his evil plot!

**Ventus:** _My_ Wayfinder sinking and me turning away is symbolic of me being in a coma and my heart seeking refuge inside another person's body!

**Aqua:** Fuck, either way you're both out of my reach now. I'm going to show how upset I am at this outcome by reaching out for you two.

**Ventus and Terra's Wayfinders:** WE ARE SPINNING RAPIDLY AS WE ARE DESCENDING!

**Thirteen beams of light:** *start floating around Cinderella's castle, darkening it and then suddenly settling in the thirteen high chairs of Organization XIII fame. You know. Representing the thirteen forces of _darkness_ *

**Ventus and Terra's Wayfinders:** STILL SPIRALING DOWNWARD!

**Aqua:** And now I have caught up with you!

**Venitus:** Yep, too bad I'm inwardly fighting Vanitas right now and my outfit has changed to prove it.

**Terranort:** I wonder what my sudden white hair, yellow eyes, and tan could _possibly_ mean.

**Aqua:** ...That anyone who adopts such a look is totally good and fine?

**Venitus and Terranort:** NOPE! *turn around, Keyblades drawn*

**Aqua:** *falling backwards as she was presumably sliced* Friggin' No Name and χ-blade...Also fucking _hate_ that name for a Keyblade, it's so needlessly confusing... *defends herself from the onslaught with Rainfell*

**Terranort:** I appear to be your main opponent. *shoots _bright purple_ beams of _darkness_ at her*

**Aqua:** I remember us fighting in Radiant Garden, not the Keyblade Graveyard.

**Venitus:** ...Wait, why do I have Vanitas's chin guard and my own blue eyes that're supposed to be yellow?

**Aqua:** I'm using like five different walkthroughs as guides, but apparently they did, in fact, fix that in post.

**Venitus:** Huh. Exactly what kind of sources are we using for this again?

**Aqua:** Various, from a multitude of plethoras. Mostly YouTube stuff like Streamdom Hearts, whatever pops up first when you type in [Elaborate Title of this Game] Walkthrough, shit like that; also the wiki, whatever works.

**Venitus:** Okay, cool.

**Terranort:** I AM GLARING!

**Aqua:** ...Yeah, I could sense that. *is on the ground before them* ...SO HOW'S YOUR NIGHT BEEN GOING.

**Sudden beam of light:** *descends from the heavens*

**Venitus and Terranort:** GAAAH MY RETINAS!

**Light source:** *appears to have been Sora's stain glass heart representation this whole time*

**Mickey:** Jesus, was _I_ in Sora's heart too, now? Merlin's pants, who fucking _hasn't_ been at this point, amiright? *blows Venitus and Terranort away with a single swipe of Star Seeker* Hay gurl, what up?

**Aqua:** Hopefully not death, I feel like that would suck right about now. *takes his hand and helps him beat up Venitus and Terranort even though he was really only there for one of those fights*

**Venitus and Terranort:** *slam back to back into each other and dissolve into light*

**Ventus and Terra's Wayfinders:** ...We are now spinning through a bright blue sky, evidently.

**Aqua:** *frantically trying to catch them still* FUCK, ONLY VEN KNEW GLIDE, I COULD ONLY EVER DOUBLE JUMP!

**Ventus and Terra's Wayfinders:** *turn into Ventus and Terra themselves*

**Aqua, Ventus, and Terra:** LET'S HOLD HANDS AS WE FALL TO OUR DEATHS!

**Aqua:** I don't think I'd mind going out like this, I'm with my friends again, and it's a gorgeous day for it — why did everything get so dark and where did all these ominous chairs come from.

**The tallest high chair:** *has Kingdom Hearts: Moon Edition popping into existence behind it*

**Master Xehanort:** Behold, my ball of darkness that I'm holding in my hand! Now check out what happens when I squeeze it like this!

**Aqua, Terra, and Ventus:** ...It explodes into _light?_ *are engulfed* And now we're drowning, great.

**Wayfinders:** Okay, one more visual representation for what happened at the end of BBS.

**Aqua:** M'kay. *summons Rainfell and zaps Ventus and Terra with Reflect*

**Ventus and Terra:** We are somehow protected within the light now—WAIT AQUA NO!

**Aqua:** Aqua yes. *closes eyes and falls backward into the water once again*

**Aqua's Wayfinder:** *is in a dark abyss until sunlight breaks through the surface of the water once more*

**Aqua:** ...Am I trapped in my own Wayfinder now, that would be awkward.

**Aqua's eyeball:** I WONDER WHOSE HAND I'M REFLECTING RIGHT NOW.

**Sora:** IT'S NOT A HUNDRED PERCENT CLEAR. *reaches in to pull out Aqua, the image of which is my current wallpaper, and means so much more to us now than it ever did*

**Camera:** *bursts through the surface and into the sunlight*

**Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep -A fragmentary passage- title card:** *is _still_ not a mouthful in any way whatsoever* I’m enjoying myself, but does that mean I killed my baby?

~...Anyone else getting some serious after-credits scene of FFX and hundred-percent ending of X-2 vibes?~

**Aqua:** *is walking along a path surrounded by flowers* I can't tell if I just beat Dark Hide or if that was a while ago. Probably a while, I know I won't start this game at _complete_ full power like I was when I fought it what the fuck. What the fuck is the Castle of Dreams castle doing here and what happened to the epic music from the trailer, was that just for the trailer, that's sad.

**Dark World title card:** Yeah, that Thor movie was okay I guess, but CHECK OUT THIS SICK TITLE CARD, THO.

**Aqua:** ...I'm gonna just spend half the parody gushing about how awesome this looks and how much I wish KHIII was out already, aren't I. _Fuck_ January can't come soon enough. And I don't need no stinkin' tutorials, even if I'm not actually playing this game at any point ever I've still been playing Kingdom Hearts in general for well over a decade, now; I know how the fucking controls work. *runs down the Main Road* Granted, it is always a little confusing after playing other games where jump is X and attack is Square to get used to this specific configuration, but I'm sure it'll only take me a few minutes to get back into the swing of things, I doubt that changed.

**Castle of Dreams:** I AM STILL SO FAR AWAY, GET THE FUCK OVER HERE ALREADY.

**Aqua:** I'M WORKING ON IT. ALSO WHY IS THIS PLANET IN THIS DIMENSION, DID MALEFICENT HAVE IT IMPLODED WHEN SHE KIDNAPPED CINDERELLA?

**Castle of Dreams:** PRESUMABLY. DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY IT DIDN'T GET RESTORED WHEN SORA SAVED THE UNIVERSE AT THE END OF KHI, THOUGH.

**Aqua:** Huh, must still be one of those “sleeping worlds” Noiti Sopxe was yammerin' on about in 3D.

**Shadows:** Hey, you still don't know what we are, do ya?

**Aqua:** I do not. *summon Master's Defender and kills them all* And now for the first confirmation that time doesn't mean shit in this dimension. Bet folks were wondering about that. *kills a couple more Shadows* I mean I think it's pretty obvious just from the fact that the lip gloss I suddenly have still looks fresh. Also how the fuck long have I been walking. I think I might start doing cartwheels just to shake things up.

**Eagle-eared Players:** Oh yeah, that's still Speedy. And it sounds like she's improved! Maybe _Arrow_ was good for something after all besides just Felicity and Male Felicity.

**Aqua:** You mean Curtis?

**Eagle-eared Players:** Yeah, Male Felicity.

**Aqua:** Man fuck you guys. *vanishes Master's Defender* So I wonder how long I've been down here in real world time. Hopefully not more than a decade, that would just not be the greatest. But I know _something_ has started to get weird. I mean, look at my design, it's way more elaborate and polished, and the entire setting is _leagues_ more gorgeous than anything I've ever encountered before.

**Castle of Dreams:** Yo, you comin' or what?

**Aqua:** Phrasing, boom! Also yes. *runs forward*

**Ground:** *starts to collapse in front of her*

**Aqua:** Great, and I can't even blame Daisy, I'm a DC character! *watches the bridge collapse in front of her* ...Well there's still a very obvious path of platforms and shit to follow so that basically changed nothing. Wait do I know _Flowmotion?!_ *speeds (ha) her way across* YEAH POTION! EVEN THOUGH I WAS FULLY STOCKED LIKE CRAZY WHEN I CAME HERE although I guess there's always a chance I used them all, especially since I don't appear to have my Command Deck anymore. In fact the menu's way more reminiscent of KHI and II. Weird.

**Castle Town:** Hey, remember how you couldn't explore us at all in BBS?

**Aqua:** Sure do!

**Castle Town:** Well you still don't get to, because this setting is actually more likely than not Daybreak Town, only with Cinderella's castle instead of our own!

**Aqua:** ...Now that I look at the architecture and that one fountain that I know that's coming up, I absolutely agree that that's probably what this is. Fucking wow, this is actually causing me to feel excitement for the first time in I don't fucking know how long!

**Shadows:** HEY we're still here and stuff.

**Aqua:** That's nice. I kill you all now. *kills a bunch and gains a level* Gwah... _Fifty-one?!_ But I ended the game at seventy-five! Maybe even seventy-six, what the shit! *walks into town* Aaaaand now I somehow think that I had nothing to lose at the end of BBS when I was _literally fighting to make sure that I wouldn't lose Terra or Ven. And then I lost both Terra and Ven._

~FLASHBACK START!~

**Ventus:** Well fuck me then.

**Terra:** Not now, I have a headache.

**Aqua:** Gigglesnort.

**Terra:** Stop getting turned on!

**Cinderella:** *slips her foot into the slipper* Hey, I have toes now! Neat!

**Aqua:** You mean you didn’t in the original?

**Cinderella:** Nope!

**Aqua:** *heavy sigh* Yet another unrealistic expectation for women.

**Cinderella:** YOU HAVE NATURAL BLUE HAIR.

**Jaq:** I am loudly cheering and celebrating! IGNORE ME!

**Aqua:** Oh how I wish I could.

**Seven dwarves:** *cart wheeling and shit*

**Aqua:** …Wait, did I even have to fight the fucking mirror?! All I had to do was fetch the prince, why’d they have to shoe-horn in a pointless boss fight that makes no fucking sense!?*later blatantly ignores one of the most famous and powerful Disney villains of all time* So Ven, Ecivresnaf sent me to pick you up.

**Ventus:** But I need to track down Terra, though.

**Aqua:** I don't remember being present for the Million Dreams Award, that was during Terra's playthrough. Which, looks like that was a good thing, I hate strawberry and it would've been a bad idea to incur the wrath of Queen Minnie. And now to worry about Terra some more before I’m automatically ejected from this planet.

**Experiment 626:** A-koo-wa, fren…Terra…Ven.

**Aqua:** Close enough. I give you three more days to learn this language perfectly, okay?

**Peter Pan:** OH NO VEN’S THING IS BROKEN.

**Aqua:** Who even cares, our friendship’s more important anyway because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL. Which Ventus knew anyway which is why he left this behind in the first place. That and he didn’t want anymore splinters in his butthole, or he’d lose the most important part of your butthole. Its ability to pucker accurately. You know it. *picks up one of the broken pieces*

**Terra:** But I’m telling you, don’t tense up. It’s not about strength or power. You gotta be fluid!

**Ventus:** Huh?

**Terra:** You have to be like water. You see what I’m saying?

**Ventus:** Not even a little.

**Terra:** That’s what I thought.

~FLASHBACK COMPLETE!~

**Aqua:** Why do my memories look like crap compared to me now, is it because they're fading with time? *looks up at castle* I wonder where everyone on this possibly amalgamated planet went off to. Probably escaped to some planet or other where rejects go and now their only purpose is granting the ability for rocks to turn back into people only when called upon. Or maybe they're rocks themselves now. Or, most likely, I've been slaughtering their remains in droves just around this place. That is unfortunately the most likely scenario apart from the possible explanation that whoever wasn't a Dandelion was butchered in the Keyblade War. And not just the humans, either...Jesus Christ, even _I_ subscribe to the “all dogs are boys and all cats are girls” thing. Why _is_ that, anyway, is it because men are supposed to be these happy friendly guys and women are supposed to be these cold bitches that don't give a fuck? 'Cause that's all cats fucking are, fuck cats, I want a puppy. Anyone that puts me in cat ears can all fuck off the edge of my dick. Oh and also I'm sad about the the plant life now, even though it's the most colorful thing I've seen so far while down here. Aaaaaaaaand I'm having a real hard time lampooning the phrase, “There's no deeper sadness than discovering all that you knew is gone.” That's just a really good line. Fuck, the grief is almost _palpable_ in this place; I wonder if that's a side effect of the darkness, or if it's supposed to be from the fact that there's no one fucking here. Which shouldn't be as sad as I'm making it out to be considering there's never more than ten people per planet anyway. Well, Daybreak Town, but I don't actually know about that. *sighs heavily, then is filled with determination* OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH FLASHBACKING FOR RIGHT NOW, TIME TO EXPLORE THIS TOWN THAT MIGHT BE FROM THE MOBILE GAME.

**Tutorial/Game mechanic pup-up/Whatever:** LOOK YOU CAN CUSTOMIZE YOUR LOOK NOW!

**Aqua:** Oh good. I get to play dress-up. How amazing. Don't think I can change my hair or eye color, though, that's disappointing...

**Description of cat ears from Yakuza 4:** Get your otaku rocks off on the cheap!

**Woolie:** But what dress were you wearing?

**Pat:** I DON'T GIVE A _FUCK!_

**iheartmwpp:** If I ever _did_ get this game, unless it had any value _other_ than cosmetic, I would _never_ change Aqua's outfit because my waifu is perfect just the way she is, thank you very much. *pause* Plus I got enough of that in UX and that's all I really needed, frankly...

**Aqua:** *barely runs through any of the Castle Town before she's suddenly on the road to the Castle of Dreams itself, which apparently has light inside it*

**Clock:** *is at midnight*

**Aqua:** Hey the clock's at midnight. *starts to walk forward again when suddenly an earthquake or sinkhole or whatever collapses the entire castle lawn thing*

**Clock:** *suddenly speeds its way forward*

**Aqua:** Fuck's sake, Barry, would you quit fucking with the timeline again, Jesus Christ. *barely makes it back to the edge of town before the entire lawn collapses into a Silent Hill-like abyss* And now it's five. Great. *looks behind her and sees a convenient bunch of floating gears; ignores it and brushes her hair out of her face* Guess I should've ran in there sooner...Except time doesn't matter, what the shit! *walks toward the convenient bunch of floating gears* ...I'M GONNA WRECK IT! *summons Master's Defender and destroys it in one go*

**Convenient bunch of floating gears:** *glows, rises up into the air, and dissolves into light which flies into the clock and sends it back an hour*

**Aqua:** *vanishes the Master's Defender and walks forward as chunks of bridge reform in front of the castle, stopping when she hits the edge* Note to self: If I find a fire ax down here, do not, I repeat, do _not_ throw it into the infinite chasm of the abyss. Also this proves that I should continue to mess with the timeline, that _never_ worked out poorly for Barry or the Legends...Oh shit, I can cast magic again! And I appear to have the MP bar from KHII instead of just letting my commands reload, okay, that's gonna take some getting used to for me personally...Bright side, everything's leveled up to -ga, which is awesome. _It's like I actually started the game as a Keyblade Master or something._ And it's like I started with most of my skills as well, but it's been so long except not really that I just forgot about the ones I haven't used in a while, which is fine, it happens.

**Sky and abyss around and below the Dark World:** * _is fucking gorgeous holy shit you guys I can only ever see it through 1080p YouTube compression which I can't tell whether or not that's better or worse than my 720 TV anyway_ *

**Aqua:** Shit, we got flying Heartl...enemies now, do we? Time to test out the magic — HOLY SHITSNACKS THAT SHIT IS TEH PRETTEH. And Thundaga stuns whatever it doesn't immediately kill, that's useful. *runs around looking for more gears and finds one on a fucked-up roof* Once again, one hit kills the clock gears in the cutscene, but I have to unleash an entire combo for it to work in-game. Fuckin' why.

**Clock gears:** *turns into light which flies into the clock face and sets it back to three*

**Aqua:** ...Sudden flashback to when Ven wanted us to assist in his suicide, shit, that was...fuck...

**MOAR of the bridge possibly between planets:** *reforms*

**Aqua:** ...WELL AT LEAST I RELEARNED DOUBLEFLIGHT. YAY I GUESS. This'll hopefully make things easier to find and monsters easier to butcher. *runs around finding things and butchering other things* I'm not sure if I'm annoyed that I'm pointing out where the gears are for the player's benefit or if I'm relieved that I made this incredibly short KHIII demo that much shorter.

**Next clock gear:** *sends everything back to two o'clock*

**Aqua:** As I flashback to that time we all teamed up to fight the Trinity Armor in Radiant Garden, AKA the only time after we left the Land of Departure where we all actually got to hang out aside from the dice game, I just realized that there's nothing stopping the Realm of Darkness from fucking with me further and making it so that no matter how many times I repair the clock it may well just keep fucking with me. And wouldn't that be tragic. OH FUCK SHOTLOCK. If I were _actually_ playing this game, I'm sure I would forget about its existence just like I used to in BBS. Or maybe not, this _is_ an infinitely shorter game. *plays through until she finds the penultimate clock gear*

**Penultimate clock gear:** *does the thing and it's one now*

**Aqua:** Why do I have to have flashbacks to inspire me to remember more moves? And why _these_ specific moves, how do they line up with these particular flashbacks in any way? Also I'm pretty sure everyone got the gist of the fact that we all have Wayfinders based on that intro even if they didn't play the game. Oh, air slide, hey. I can see my not-house from here! *finds last clock gear*

**Last clock gear:** *resets everything back to midnight*

**Aqua:** Aww, we looked at the stars and quoted _The Lion King_ that one time, that was nice.

**Landscape:** *puts itself back together*

**Aqua:** Cool...I CAN NOW DO -JA MAGIC IF I WANTED TO. THAT'S NEW. And possibly related to Zero Graviza and Stopza of 3D fame, z and j probably aren't that much different when translated. Or I could be wrong, it's been literal years since my Japanese classes and I haven't kept up all that well, I can barely read hiragana or katakana anymore...I just made myself sad. Maybe I should just stop guessing things altogether since if I don't guess, I can't get it wrong. At least I just gave myself a goal to relearn all that shit once I get outta here. You know. Besides getting the gang back together or whatever. *heads back through the busted town and toward the Castle of Dreams* Awesome, I'm so glad I'm almost outta here, I mean what else could possibly oh shit.

**Demon Tower:** *is just a giant mass of Shadow Heartless that erupts out of the ground, which when you think about it is kind of a lame design, so why do I think it's so cool*

**Aqua:** ...Well _this_ does me a big frighten. Okay, analyzing its attack pattern by looking up fucking guides...When its eyes are yellow it's easier to attack, but run like shit when they turn orange, got it. *eventually brings it down* YAY SPELLWEAVER'S BACK, I MISSED THAT SHIT and holy fuck _it looks amayzah._

**Demon Tower:** *flees back into the ground from whence it came*

**Aqua:** Phew. Sure hope I won't have to face _that_ again, heh heh. *walks forward until she reaches the castle gates, then turns back to look at the busted town* ...Okay, what do I mean by “Not even memories are safe from the darkness”? I guess I'm implying that I almost lost my memories to the darkness maybe perhaps it's not a hundred percent clear. Also, because Streamdom Hearts _did_ in fact dress me up, this scene right here _proves_ that even if you do dress up your waifu, I will _immediately_ ditch that shit during the moments that matter, completely dissimilar to when Sora used Drive forms in KHII. So what is even the point besides a paper-thin justification of purchase. *enters the castle* ...Okay, bit more dimly lit than I remember but I guess that makes sense...

**Clock:** ...Still midnight.

**Aqua:** *starts singing softly*  
_Sands of time_  
_Take me back_  
_Before it all went wrong_  
_When love was but a song_  
_And tomorrow shone as brightly_  
_As the sun_  
_Teach me to undo what's done_  
_Sands of time_  
_Take me back_  
*reaches toward the sky and stops herself* Yep. There I go again, experiencing regret and feeling sad about things that it's perfectly logical to feel sad about. Stop that right now and get back to repressing everything like a far more healthy individual that suffers absolutely zero negative consequences by doing so.

**Terra:** 'Sup, nerd.

**Aqua:** Hay gurl—TERRA! Holy shit, your hair did not translate into this new engine at all! Also I thought I got you out of this shitheap, did I fuck that up?

**Terra:** VACANT SMILE.

**Aqua:** ...You wanna actually _talk_ to me, bitch tits? *goes to grab his hand and it goes right through* ...Oh. So now I'm just so caught up in my grief that I'm hallucinating. Well at least I know you're a hallucination, I guess. You here to try and make me feel more hopeful about my chances down here or something?

**Terra:** No, we're here to make you feel hope _less._ *vanishes*

**Aqua:** ...WELL FUCK YOU TOO. *starts climbing the stairs and then turns around again to stare at the remains of what just might be Daybreak Town* Okay seriously, what happened to everyone, are they all victims of the Keyblade War, did they manage to become Dandelions and escape, did they turn into rocks/make it to Traverse Town, or are they all the brainless monsters I've been slaughtering in droves this whole time? I'm still mostly inclined to believe the latter. I mean, at least Cinderella made it out, even if she's been kidnapped by Maleficent and forced into carbonite. Pfft, and now I'm implying that because I haven't seen any people that means they haven't fallen into darkness, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THESE CREATURES I'VE BEEN MURDERING ARE. But I guess I don't actually _know_ that so it's fine. Also I just realized at some point near the endgame I'm gonna end up helping the Organization make their fake Kingdom Hearts: Organ Harvest Moon Edition, isn't that fun...Wait, no I won't, these are all pureblood Heartless! Whew, least I got that going for me... *ascends the castle stairs*

~Go, go, go, go! Get depressed! Get depressed!~


	2. Left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Sometimes It Just Hits Me Out Of Nowhere That We Only Have Six Months To Go Before KHIII Comes Out And That Makes Me Big Excited:** _JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Arrowverse, The King and I, Silent Hill 3,_ Super Best Friends Play, _The Lord of the Rings, Stranger Things, Harry Potter, Hamilton, Naruto,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Creed, Dragon Ball Z, Young Frankenstein, PT, Alien, Space Balls,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Aqua's got, like, walls of text in this shitfest. Kind of an inevitability when she's the only character onscreen, I s'pose.~

**Aqua:** *is suddenly in _another_ green, grassy, tree and flower-filled area* Okay, now I'm in the Dwarf Woodlands. That was fast. Like, did I even do anything in the castle after I ascended the stairs, there's no sign of the castle from here so what the hell.

**Glass coffin:** I EXIST.

**Aqua:** Boy that would suck if Snow was down here as well, I'm not Ruby with Dorothy, I don't think I swing that way so I can't bring her back. *runs up to the casket*

**Ventus:** You thought you'd find Snow asleep in this glass case, BUT IT WAS ME, VENTUS!

**Aqua:** Damn I missed your leitmotif. *collapses next to the coffin* Well at least I'm fairly sure I _can_ wake you up with true love's kiss since you're my baby brother—

**Ventus:** Ha ha no. *vanishes*

**Aqua:** *gets a sudden vision of his comatose body in the Chamber of Waking* ...Well that hallucination was mean. I mean, I guess I'm glad that he's still where I left him, but...Shit, am I that desperate to see him again that I wish he was down here in this hellscape with me just so I wouldn't feel alone anymore? Man am I an asshole. Also I should probably continue to find a way out of here so I can properly get to him and wake him up. Which is really the most tangible reason I have of keeping going right now, since I don't really even know what happened with Terra or what any of our last fight might entail. And I just noticed that magic mirror behind me, what even is. Hey, didn't I beat you up once? *goes to stand in front of it and stares at her reflection* And this is the part where the game that may or may not be about struggling through depression while in a desperate situation reminds you that this is a baby game for babies by explaining that this thing right in front of me that is reflecting myself and my surroundings back at me is, in fact, a mirror.

**Cast of Evangelion:** *stand around her and applaud* CONGRATULATIONS, SHINJI!

**Aqua:** Oh fuck all of you. Just for that I'm going to put my hand on the glass for no reason whatsoever—WAIT WHY IS MY REFLECTION REACHING THROUGH AND PULLING ME INTO THE MIRROR DIMENSION I THOUGHT BARRY DEALT WITH THIS GUY TOO. WELL. CAITLIN. SOMEONE. I SHOULD REWATCH THAT EPISODE. *suddenly finds herself within the World Within (heh heh, see what I did there?), a stone castle area with a giant mirror behind her and other giant mirrors all around the place* HMM. I WONDER WHAT TYPE OF PUZZLES AWAIT ME IN _THIS_ AREA. And I know it's going to be entirely puzzle-based, too, this is gonna get annoying. But at least I know that I can't really get hurt in this area, since if a death trap isn't spinning, it can't hurt you.

**Three mirrors that only reflect swirling blue energy:** *suddenly surround her and start rapidly spinning around her before resettling on some far-away walls*

**Aqua:** ...I should probably stop saying things. Also what the fuck just happened. Oh hey, wonder if I can go out the way I came in. *runs up to the mirror behind her and sees that she has no reflection* ...Always knew I had no soul. ALSO I WONDER IF I SHOULD SEE IF THESE MIRRORS INVOLVE SOME KIND OF PUZZLE ELEMENT. LIKE I'D ALREADY SUGGESTED. IS A PUZZLEMENT.

**The World Within:** *...is not the most exciting area to explore if all you're doing is watching a walkthrough...meh, still not incentive enough to purchase*

**Aqua:** Okay, maps are useful, as are savepoints, plus the fact that there don't seem to be any enemies in _this_ particular massive section. *dicks around for a long-ass while that probably only seems long in comparison with the overall length of this game* Hey cool, if you jump on all the broken mirror shit to eventually get to the top of the columns in the main area, you get a Mega-Potion! Even though I already know Curaga/Curaja but whatever, sometimes tangible items are nice, especially when you don't have anything else.

**Mirrors that show empty rooms that may or may not be carpeted:** *appear to just be pointless leveling rooms with Neoshadows and shit, and/or places to get more items*

**Mirrors that show literally anything else:** *are the ones with puzzles you need to solve*

**Aqua:** Okay, so according to the walkthroughs I've seen, you can do this in basically any order, so...Let's go with this one first. *enters through the mirror with the staircase* ...Okay, just keep going up, I guess...

**Evil!Aqua:** Is there any point in continuing this fight?

**Aqua:** ...Well _that's_ negative. Let's see...Might as well turn around and see if I can see anything else, while also murdering everything in my path—OOH, a potion! And the fourth room is where I turn around and see another giant mirror that signifies the probable exit, okay, it's usually Rule of Three but okay... *is suddenly in an area with steam rising out of the floor on all sides creating a barrier presumably impossible to pass with yet another giant mirror that she slowly walks towards* Wow, staring hard at my own reflection in order to come to grips with myself as a person. Never saw _that_ before. *yawns* I'm pretty sure I can handle anything that's not the Brookhaven Hospital storage room in Silent Hill 3 okay why is the mirror glowing like that, that's still unnerving. *summons Master's Defender*

**Aqua's reflection:** *reaches her hand out of the mirror* Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

**Aqua:** *leaps backward* Oh hey, a manifestation of my own self-doubt in the form of my reflection that I now have to fight in order to regain my confidence. What a unique concept.

**Evil!Aqua:** *steps out of the mirror entirely and summons her own Master's Defender* Uh, I don't know, what are some other examples?

**Aqua:** This, what I just saw right now. Also kinda sorta SH3 once again. And...Okay, I'll admit that me changing outfits is a decent way to tell our character models apart while I'm fighting you, but I don't really think that's why they decided to go through with that input. Now if the evil version had a different hair color, perhaps silver or white...

**Evil!Aqua:** You're dumb!

**Aqua:** It is _you_ who is dumb! And would you stop teleporting so I could murder you already?

**Evil!Aqua:** Hmm, let me think about — no.

**Aqua:** Well fuck you, I still win anyway.

**Evil!Aqua:** Aw geez, I'm being murdered!

**Aqua:** *watches her fade away and goes to stare at her actual, proper reflection* Terra, Ven, and now my own reflection popping out of the mirror to try and murder my ass...Maybe I'm just going super nuts.

**Mirror:** BRIGHT-ASS LIGHT!

**Aqua:** ARGH MY RETINAS! Damn it, they don't have eye drops here, Curaga doesn't do eyestrain! *is back in the main section of the World Within*

**Mirror that she just came through:** *cracks behind her*

**Aqua:** That is a useful way of telling which shit I did already. Okay, next on the list... *goes through the mirror that shows a room full of pillars and no discernible floor that's vaguely reminiscent of Moria in that it's a bunch of pillars in a dark space that seems to stretch on forever* Okay, there looks to be the exit right there...I'm sure there's a catch but for now I'll just run directly for it why is it fading away where'd it go.

**Evil!Aqua's voice:** No one can save you. And no one wants to.

**Aqua:** ...Okay, that didn't work. Time to look around. And boy is it weird that I have no reflection, it's almost like there isn't a floor at all despite me leaving visible momentary footprints. *looks around* I like how you can see upside down treasure chests you can't get to, that's a cool visual that immediately lets you know what this room's gimmick is. *finds a pillar with bright green cracks in between the bricks and bashes through them, going through the hole and is now upside down in the Upside Down* And now I'm nauseous.

**Player:** *immediately adjusts their sitting position so they too are upside down because fuck that looked nauseating just on a small laptop screen while watching YouTube, can't imagine how bad it must get for those playing in glorious 4K. Wait, _can_ this be played in 4K? I don't care enough to check*

**Aqua:** *manages to leave the Upside Down through another pillar* Okay, figured everything out — Oh fuck, shit to kill. Wait—NO! Come on, I was right next to another green pillar, why'd you have to fade to black like that?

**Evil!Aqua:** Your bonds of friendship only tie you down.

**Aqua:** Fuck's sake, I don't play _Ollie_ in _Arrow,_ now do I!? *finds the exit in the fourth room again, 'cause I guess we're operating under Shi Means Death rules now* Huh boy, I'm still in the Upside Down, this could be dicey...

**Evil!Aqua:** *has already stepped out of the mirror and comes at her as they're both right side up again*

**Aqua:** OH THANK MERLIN. *beats her reflection's ass again* Huh, expected your health bar to go up.

**Evil!Aqua:** OH I AM SLAIN! *dies*

**Aqua:** I keep hearing my own voice cry out in defeat and think I just lost because of it. Though that also might vaguely be the idea. Just all of the self-doubt up in this bitch. *is transported back to the main area again*

**Mirror:** *cracks behind her again*

**Aqua:** I like how every other mirror I go through cracked as well, but only the puzzle-relevant ones gave me a visual hint right when I got out. Time to take a short breaky-break after that, I think...Wait, hold up, I have _idle animations?!_ Since fucking _WHEN?!_ *dicks around until she reaches the final mirror, which shows an old busted pillar, and enters what is probably meant to be the remains of the dwarf mine inside a giant crystallized dark abyss* Well this looks cool. And I can't jump high enough to get up to the next area across this giant abyss, that would be a huge bummer even _without_ an invisible wall preventing me from doing so. Therefore, time to check out the giant mirror that's right the fuck next to me and see if I can figure out the gimmick.

**Mirror:** *shows a floating rock you can platform on, which suddenly vanishes from the Mirror Dimension into the real world*

**Aqua:** Neat. *goes to the next mirror* Oh this one's moving so I have to time it so I can make it...Nailed it! Now let's see what we've got here...Three rocks, all moving, have to time it, then jump up all of 'em — shit, time to kill more dudes, I'll think about that in a second. *accidentally falls off while fighting dudes* Hoo boy, I know there's no fall damage, but—

**Evil!Aqua:** You'll never see the realm of light again.

**Aqua:** Oh, it's just my depression wanting me to give up on everything and then I go back to killing shit, that's way better. *slides down the next batch of mines, then has to activate the mirror and wait for the bridge to line up where she wants it to* Wonder what that obvious patch of shit over there has. *has the bridge connect there first, then runs up and grabs a Megalixer* Oh fuck the hell yes. _Always_ go out of your way for Megalixers, kids. Also I just realized that I have to be in front of the mirror so that I know exactly where it's lining up, whoops. *jumps back down and sings a little ditty while she waits for the bridge to line up how she wants it to so she can get out of there*  
 _Life doesn't discriminate_  
 _Between the sinners and the saints_  
 _It takes and it takes and it takes_  
 _And we keep living anyway_  
 _We rise and we fall and we break_  
 _And we make our mistakes_  
 _And if there's a reason I'm still alive_  
 _When so many have died_  
 _Then I'm willing to wait for it (wait for it)_  
 _I'm willing to wait for it_

**Bridge:** *finally lines up and Aqua runs up it to grab a Hi-Potion before getting out and into a boss arena*

**Aqua:** Wonder if I should've searched for all those jewels or whatever that side quest was...Meh, items that increase my chances of survival are significantly more important than pointless shit that just unlocks more accessories I'm not gonna wear.

**Evil!Aqua:** Round three, final round, let's go.

**Aqua:** Oh good, thought there'd be another puzzle after this, that would've sucked...Ohhh, you've definitely got a bigger health bar...

**Evil!Aqua:** KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!

**Aqua:** Wow. If only I had multiple moves that could get rid of multiple enemies at once. *casts Thundaga and uses Spellweaver for the win*

**Evil!Aqua:** And what happens when multiple of us can _also_ use Spellweaver and gang up on you?

**Aqua:** ...Shit. Heh, I just noticed they remixed my main theme into the boss music. Also I swear I heard my reflection whisper Terra's name. *kills her reflection*

**Evil!Aqua:** And now I am the dead. Bleh. *disappears*

**Aqua:** How do I know that that's it for this section of the Dark Dimension? Meh, I'll acknowledge that this was a _little_ more involved than the fucked up Castle of Dreams world was... *stares into the mirror at her actual, much more nonviolent reflection* So Terra and Ven didn't say shit, probably because they were hallucinations, but these reflection fights actually _hurt,_ man. Also I can't believe it took me this long to start singing “Reflection” to myself. *starts singing reflection to herself*  
 _Who is that girl I see_  
 _Staring straight back at me_  
 _Why is my reflection someone_  
 _I don't know_  
 _Somehow I cannot hide_  
 _Who I am, though I've tried_  
 _When will my reflection show_  
 _Who I am inside_  
*sighs deeply*  
 _When will my reflection show_  
 _Who I am inside_  
...I am singing a lot these days. *goes back to the main World Within*

**Mirror:** *cracks behind her*

**Aqua:** *makes sure she broke every other mirror before heading back to the first mirror she came through* You see this person staring back at you? That's your toughest opponent. I believe that in fighting, and I do believe that in life. *puts hand on mirror* I've quoted a lot of movies and sang a lot of songs while trapped down here. But that reflection fight...I don't know if a dark specter that sucks all the warmth out of a room and makes you incapable of feeling happiness again is a better physical representation of depression, or your own damn self forming in front of you and screaming verbal abuse about how you shouldn't even bother because you're just that worthless. Both are pretty fucking bad, and it's hardest to argue with yourself. Fuck, this game's actually pretty subtle. I feel like subtlety is underrated, and I'm not sure if that statement is a pun or not. But yeah, depression and self-doubt are definitely things you have to overcome...I just wish it was always as easy as beating up any kind of physical representation. On the other hand, you can't force yourself to feel optimistic and joyful all the time. Sometimes allowing yourself to feel sad is a good thing; you just have to find a way to not wallow in it. Obviously sometimes your brain forces you to wallow in it, but that's the time to get help, even if it seems like the hardest thing or like no one will care. Someone, somewhere, will. Aaaaand since I have no one to talk to and the only medications I have access to are these random items I'm just finding on the ground, the best I can hope for right now is to continue quoting escapist media that makes me smile and to struggle toward some Vitamin D that is sunlight. *goes through the mirror and finds herself in a forested area* Oh hey, Enchanted Dominion. I think maybe.

**Terra and Ventus:** *are just casually walking in front of her*

**Aqua:** G-Guys?

**Terra and Ventus:** *dissolve into light the closer she gets*

**Aqua:** *continues to run after them* I don't care if I'm goin' nuts, I miss my friends and any excuse to see them is good enough for me.

**Vines:** *sprout up and block her path*

**Aqua:** ...I know Firaga, you know.

**Forest of Thorns title card:** It figures Enchanted Dominion would be next, though you almost legitimately won't recognize it since it doesn't follow the original movie's art style so much anymore.

**Aqua:** *doesn't even need Firaga; can just use Master's Defender* Jesus Christ, this thing chews through fucking shit like a fuck. Yeah. Also whichever vines I don't have to cut I can Flowmotion through, that's neat-o. *murders both vines and Heartless as she goes*

**Terra and Ventus:** *are now more just glowy after-images of themselves that fade whenever Aqua gets too close*

**Aqua:** I guess following my hallucinations means we're going the right way. TOO BAD I LIKE EXPLORING! Is what I would be saying if I ever bothered to play this instead of watching walkthroughs on YouTube. *gets to a clearing*

**Darkside:** Oh hai Mark.

**Aqua:** Oh hai Darkside. You look sick with these graphics. Also I can jump high enough to bash you in the face, that's new. *bashes it in the face and beats it* Damn that music, why is it _so good._ *sees Terra and Ventus's afterimages again and is once again inspired to burst into song*  
 _Follow the hallucinations_  
 _Follow the hallucinations_  
 _Follow, follow, follow, follow_  
 _Follow the hallucinations_  
 _Follow the halluci—_  
 _Follow the halluci—_  
 _Follow the hallucinations_

**Bunch of Darksides:** *are waiting for her*

**First Darkside:** *tries to throw a Dark energy ball at her face*

**Aqua:** Are Darksides common enemies now or will they be chilling just out of reach for the sole purpose of summoning shadows and trying to punch me out when I try to Flowmotion vine surf? The second option? Boo. *kills all the Shadows they summon and Flowmotions through a giant tunnel of vines while jumping out of the way of their attacks* Well, while this is a nice change of pace and implies a constant threat, I think I'd prefer if I actually got to fight them instead of them always staying in the background where I know I'll never be able to stop them. *fights some Neoshadows and Water Cores*

**Save point:** *appears*

**Aqua:** ...Well that's vaguely ominous. *moves forward and soon comes across a much weaker Darkside* Yay I get to kill these things again! Several in fact! That's way more fun for me. *gets led by Terra and Ventus to a treasure chest and a bunch of Flutterings* ...I thought you guys were supposed to be leading me out of here. Or was all this a disgusting trap I was easily lead into. Wait, no, there are more vines to slice through up here and DON'T YOU TWO LEAVE ME BEHIND, I SEE YOU UP THERE. *slices more vines and comes across a veritable plethora of Darksides* Okay, that's, what, seven Darksides at least? And they're all lifting up their hands and giving that giant red, purple, and black evil Spirit Bomb their energy, that can only lead to good things. *gets ready for a massive boss rush...and is promptly disappointed* Oh, I just have to cartwheel myself through and only really kill one Darkside, that's lame.

**Darkside:** *after exhausting all of its usual attacks, raises its arms and summons red laser rain from the sky that pelts down around it, creating a barrier while giant lavender laser beams shoot out and around it at Aqua*

**Aqua:** I TAKE IT BACK, ALL OF THOSE LASERS ARE DEFINITELY NEW. Plus side, it seems I still have Second Chance and Leaf Bracer equipped. That's useful. *eventually kills it*

**Evil Spirit Bomb:** *begins the process of implosion as all of the other Darksides dissolve below it*

**Aqua:** I kill one, I kill 'em all I guess. Neat. Could do without the wind, though. *is nearly sucked in as the Spirit Bomb implodes, which stops the wind tunnel and allows Aqua to collapse* Okay, another fucked up planet done, I guess. Time to keep chasing after those hallucinations. After I save first, 'cause fuck. Okay, you guys're looking a little more solid than usual... *runs up to them* Hay gurls.

**Terra:** *turns around* 'Sup, nerd.

**Aqua:** ...Hold up. You just...talked.

**Terra:** ...Well yeah, it's the most common form of communication for those who don't have hearing and speaking issues. Wait, you can see me?

**Aqua:** You and Ven, yeah. Thought I was goin' nuts, and in fact I still might be, but—

**Terra:** I don't see Ven, only you.

**Aqua:** He's standing right next to you, though. He seems to still be out of it, though.

**Ventus:** *loud snoring*

**Aqua:** HOW DO YOU NOT HEAR THAT.

**Terra:** Dude I don't know shit, I'm in a black abyss and you and I are the only two here. What is this shit?

**Aqua:** It’s _this_ shit: I am currently standing in a fucked-up version of Enchanted Dominion that doesn't actually look anything like Enchanted Dominion.

**Terra:** No shit.

**Aqua:** I shit thee not.

**Terra:** Wait, if it's here, then that means the planet imploded. Which fucking blows.

**Aqua:** ...So I've kind of been seeing you guys all over the place, and while this is the first time one of you spoke to me, I'm sorry but I'd like confirmation that I'm not going crazy with grief and longing.

**Terra:** Well, I—

**Aqua:** VEN, TALK TO ME! I KNOW YOU'RE IN A COMA BUT JUST WAKE UP FOR ONE SECOND TO SAY A SINGLE WORD, WOULD YOU!?

**Ventus:** I can't hear you, I'm in a fucking coma.

**Aqua:** Damn your eyes!

**Ventus:** Too late.

**Terra:** Aqua, listen to me. The only me is me. Except not.

**Aqua:** EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!

**Terra:** You _are_ hallucinating a little bit, because the way you're reacting to me means that you still think I look the same. And boy do I not. Remember when I was possessed by Master Xehanort and became Terranort at the end of BBS? We fought and everything? That's unfortunately still a thing, and fuck, maybe not even that now since I/we've probably been divided into a Heartless and a Nobody by now.

**Aqua:** I have no idea what the vast majority of what you just said even means.

**Terra:** I know you don't.

**Aqua:** So does that mean that some small part of you has been lost to darkness, and that's why I can see you?

**Terra:** Ish. You become a Heartless when your heart is consumed by darkness, so possibly technically. Probably the only way we're talking right now. But I'm blind as shit, Aqua; maybe I can't even see you, but am just talking in the general direction of where I think your voice is coming from. And we both know that Ven is a being of pure light, so I don't know what he of all people would be doing down here. He's way more likely to be a hallucination, I think.

**Aqua:** Fine by me, as long as he's safe. So how'd you find me, anyway?

**Terra:** We're bestest friendly-friends, our hearts are connected, I was able to reach out with my heart and find you, friendship is the greatest magic of all, usual bullshit.

**Aqua:** I don't even know why I bothered to ask. And despite you always showing an affinity for the darkness to the point of assisting in our adopted father's murder and the harvesting of a young woman's heart, not to mention the possession we were just talking about, I'm confused as to why your heart would have any darkness within it whatsoever.

**Terra:** Okay, I'm not going over all that again, I'm just gonna skip ahead to the far more important factor of _Master Xehanort wants Ven's body for something._

**Aqua:** Pfft, tell him good luck with that shit. Plus he's in a coma from a sudden lack of heart, which I know was Master Xehanort was primarily interested in Ven for, so it's basically useless to go after him.

**Terra:** I'M AUDIBLY IN PAIN! *hair turns white as he clutches his head*

**Aqua:** Kinda worried about him, though, I mean I didn't exactly have an I.V. drip on hand or anything, and he's not in any kind of stasis pod, he's just slumped in a throne-like chair...Maybe I should've thought things through a little more than not at all...

**Terra:** I CAN'T CONTROL IT! *is surrounded by dark energy*

**Aqua:** I don't think he'd be down here if he was _dead,_ though, this isn't the afterlife, I don't think...

**Terranort:** *straightens* Ignore my sudden complete change of voice.

**Aqua:** Gladly, I've been completely oblivious to everything. Truly I am the greatest of Keyblade Masters.

**Terranort:** Indeed. So Ven's in the Chamber of Waking at Castle Oblivion, right?

**Aqua:** Yep, and it doesn't matter that I told you because I'm literally the only one who can access it—OH NOES MY BESTEST FRIENDLY FRIEND WAS POSSESSED, WHICH SEEMS AWFUL AND I HOPE THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME, AND SAID FRIEND WAS POSSIBLY ONLY LED HERE SO HE COULD FIND OUT WHERE VEN WAS! WHO'DA THUNK IT!

**Terranort:** ...Literally everyone. Boy can I not wait to send my goons to Castle Oblivion now to search for shit and probably fail.

**Aqua:** Big talk from a guy that's defeated everyone!

**Terranort:** Exactly. Also even though it's pretty obvious that I'm Master Xehanort in possession of your friend's body, this is apparently all some big revelaito—

**Terra:** *appears behind him, glowing with light, and starts choking him from behind* GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU _BITCH!_

**Aqua:** ...This has definitely been the most interesting experience I've had in a while.

**Terra:** Hey, did you know that Xehanort possessed me and just now used me to get info from you on Ven?

**Aqua:** ...Fucking...duh?

**Terra:** Okay, I just wanted to make sure you knew—

**Aqua:** That this was a baby game for babies, I got it, I had to spell out that a smooth framed surface that showed one's reflection was called a mirror earlier.

**Terranort:** Well that's just pathetic.

**Terra:** ...So you should probably fucking go now while I'm holding him off—HURG!

**Terranort:** *grabs Terra's face* I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head.

**Terra:** I wondered if my karate can karate his karate. And the answer is no.

**Aqua:** No, stop, please, I beg of you. As I do nothing to actually help.

**Giant Corridor of Darkness:** *opens up behind her*

**Darkside arm:** *reaches out and grabs Ven*

**Aqua:** AND NOW THIS. *also gets grabbed* Damn it, if only there was a way of spontaneously summoning my darkness-defeating weapon into my hand so as to free me from this situation!

**Terranort:** This is why evil will always prevail. Because good is dumb.

**Aqua:** *stares down at Ven's body* ...So? How're things?

**Terra:** *is still struggling within Terranort's grip on his face* Okay, at this point I'd rather embarrass you than live. CHAIN STUFF FROM MY FINAL BOSS FIGHT IN BBS, GO!

**Terranort:** Oh right, that shit. Fuck.

**Aqua:** Am I getting squeezed into unconsciousness or something, what the hell. *has fuzzy image of Terranort being wrapped in chains before she passes out*

~Always fun to meet up with friends you haven't seen in a while.~


	3. Of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yes I Wrote This Mostly In Advance And Yes I Had Just Finished Playing FFXV While Editing This, Fuck You (also early update cuz i'm going on vacation another perk of writing in advance fuck you):** Super Best Friends Play, None Piece, _Nier: Automata,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Uncharted: the Lost Legacy, Harry Potter, Hamilton, Farscape,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~...Wait, weren't we waiting for someone else to show up eventually?~

**Aqua:** *is now falling down a dark abyss by herself, her Wayfinder glowing slightly in her hand* ...Fuck it, I'm tired.

**Wayfinder:** *falls out of her hand and into another familiar gloved hand*

**Mickey:** YO AQUA, WAKE YOUR SHIT!

**Aqua:** Gwah? *opens her eyes as Mickey places her Wayfinder back into her hand* ...It has been so long since I felt physical contact from not an enemy. I feel like a toddler being embraced by their mom on cold dark nights.

**Mickey:** I bet. *drags her back to solid ground because I guess he knows Glide now*

**Aqua:** So how'd you find FUCK THAT FORGET HOW YOU FOUND ME WHERE THE SHIT ARE TERRA AND VEN.

**Mickey:** I only saw you, I think, but we can't really go over that just yet. *summons Star Seeker* All right. Let's murder these innocent victims. No wait.

**Aqua:** This another Demon Tower or have we moved up to Demon _Tide._

**Mickey:** Still Tower, looks like.

**Aqua:** ...Do these creatures even have a name?

**Mickey:** The term we've been using for a good five or six games now is Heartless.

**Aqua:** Good to know. Also with my nakama beside me (author's note: nakama means tomodachi) I have now unlocked the Wayfinder command style, which is fucking sick.

**Mickey:** Is there any greater system than the buddy system? It's perfect. Who would attack _two_ people. No one. *can cast Curaga on you if you need it, but also passes out at the drop of a hat from what I've seen. So basically he's a slightly better Donald, mainly by virtue of not being fucking Donald*

**Aqua:** And it takes a cutscene to finish it off. Of fucking course.

**Mickey:** *slices through the Demon Tower sending the hoard of Shadows up into the air*

**Aqua:** *cuts through them and making them dissipate*

**Demon Tower:** *totally doesn't dissipate at all and instead swirls around in front of them some more until it spirals out of view*

**Mickey:** OKAY AWESOME WE BEAT THEM COMPLETELY.

**Aqua:** We're so smart. Hope after this people just talk about how smart we are.

**Mickey:** So you've been missing for years after going off to fight one of your friends who turned evil. I'll be honest, I thought you were fucking dead. Really glad you're not, though; _shit_ you're resilient. If you can survive this you can survive fucking anything, I'll never doubt your sick skills again. How'd you end up here?

**Aqua:** Completely ignoring that for a second, you haven't seen Terra or Ven anywhere, have you?

**Mickey:** ...You do know that you're the only one who can ever gain access to Ven's body, right?

**Aqua:** I know, it's just I heard he might've been found.

**Mickey:** Not to my knowledge. There _was_ a dude running around that looked completely identical to him, but it was not in fact him at all, trust me.

**Aqua:** Okay, that sounds needlessly complicated but okay...What about Terra?

**Mickey:** Nope, but then again I don't think I'd recognize him if I saw him, considering we'd never met.

**Aqua:** That's true. I'm sorry, I've just been really depressed lately and while contact with you has been great I'm still super upset that I don't know how my friends are doing.

**Mickey:** Hey, ma'am, you look like you're having a profound existential crisis. Adults are weird. Here's a useless platitude about how everything'll work out in the end!

**Aqua:** Uh-huh, sure.

**Mickey:** Yeah, it's been a long time, I get that, though you still haven't answered my question as to how you fell down here?

**Aqua:** ...How long have I been down here, exactly?

**Mickey:** Ten years we've been rusting, needing so much more than dusting.

**Aqua:** That's very interesting. You're very interesting. Been frolicking around for a full decade while everyone thought I was dead, that's just dandy.

**Mickey:** Did you really frolic?

**Aqua:** I frolicked. Anyway, I stashed Ven somewhere only I could get to again, and then I fought the one of my friends who turned evil. *takes out her Wayfinder and looks at it* Both of us fell into darkness but I got him out, letting myself fall in his place.

**Mickey:** Aww.

**Aqua:** ...Wait, how the fuck did _you_ get down here!? You, of all people!

**Mickey:** Remember those creatures we've been fighting?

**Aqua:** The ones you called the Heartless?

**Mickey:** Exactly, they've been devouring entire planets and harvesting said planets' organs, causing them to implode. *blinks* Holy fuck I think this is where I was in between writing that letter to Donald and the end of KHI. Shit is _actually_ coming together, this is awesome. Anyway, if we find what is just a straight-up door that is the exit/entrance between the Realms of Light and Darkness, that will magically fix the entire universe after it's closed and locked. And apparently there's a Keyblade of Darkness that I need to find so I can lock shit from this side. Was a real bitch getting here, though. There's actually more ways in and out than just the one door, and apparently planetary implosion is one of 'em. Instead of trying to do my duty as a Keyblade wielder and protect the planets from the encroaching darkness, I instead encouraged the implosion of one of 'em. Which, in fact, _will_ eventually reverse the encroaching darkness, but still, seems kinda steep. *grabs Aqua's hand that's still holding the Wayfinder* So hearts are homing beacons now. Which is why I was able to find you even though you didn't sense me at all.

**Aqua:** I don't think it was my heart. I think it was the Wayfinder. I think Ven and Terra did something to it to make it reach out to anyone who would've been able to help.

**Mickey:** That explanation also seems quite bullshit, let's go with it.

**Aqua:** So the universe is imploding...You _sure_ you don't know if Terra made it out okay?

**Mickey:** I'm completely serious, I have no fucking clue. Maybe if someone had a picture of some kind so that when I ran into Xehanort nine years ago I would've recognized him, but nope!

**Aqua:** *clutches Wayfinder to her chest* Well, even though I had absolutely no faith in Terra at the end of BBS when we were going into the final battle, I now have complete confidence in him! And he's never had any hard feelings about me beating him in every way before so why should he now?

**Mickey:** I have a feeling that that last one wasn't a hundred percent accurate.

**Aqua:** Oh it's fine. I _am_ extremely worried about Ven, though. I kind of just left him slumped in a chair with no life support. I _need_ to get to him again to make sure he's still fucking alive, and also to wake him up again.

**Mickey:** Okay, let's.

**Aqua:** DOES THAT MEAN YOU KNOW AN EXIT!?

**Mickey:** I DO NOT, UNFORTUNATELY!

**Aqua:** Damn it. If only we were just talking about a door that has to be sealed on either side, the same door that you were looking for.

**Mickey:** That doesn't make any sense. Now check out this flashback of the time we first met.

**Aqua:** Why do we look so different?

**Mickey:** I have no idea. All I know is that we're gonna make it through this together, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

**Aqua:** We're gonna die, aren't we.

**Mickey:** Probably! Ha ha! *looks up* May our hearts be our guiding key.

**Aqua:** Reference to Back Cover I recognized, because I watched that first!

**Mickey:** Yeah, weird how it's only being brought up now. It's almost like it wasn't a thing until recently but we're pretending how it was _always_ a thing.

**Aqua:** HOORAY FOR WRITING THESE GAMES AS THEY HAPPEN INSTEAD OF ESTABLISHING A WELL-DEFINED NARRATIVE TO START WITH!

**Mickey:** Yep yep yep! *holds out hand to the ceiling thing* I'm gonna try and say it way more from now on! And by that I mean I won't at all! *holds out hand to Aqua* Y'all ready for this?

**Aqua:** Sure. WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN.

**Depths of Darkness title card:** This kinda looks like the area Aqua first fell into at the end of BBS, only way better looking. Which makes it _really_ out of place for Mickey to be here, frankly...

**Aqua and Mickey:** *fight their way through said Depths of Darkness*

**Mickey:** *bursts into song*  
 _We read the wind and the sky_  
 _When the sun is high_  
 _We sail the length of the seas_  
 _On the ocean breeze_  
 _At night we name every star_  
 _We know where we are—_

**Aqua:** WE DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHERE WE ARE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE.

**Mickey:** Fine, fine...Is it just me or is shit getting brighter the further we go along?

**Aqua:** You know, I think you might have a point there...Why am I coming across Hi-Potions and Mega-Ethers and shit? This a boss fountain?

**Mickey:** Seems that way.

**Aqua and Mickey:** *fight a bunch of Shadows, Neoshadows and Earth, Water, and Fire Cores* Oh yeah, shit's definitely getting brighter — OH HEY, LIGHT.

**Aqua:** Just a giant opening into an area I can't even see 'cause it's so bright. Look at how shiny them rocks is!

**Mickey:** You know Roxas?

**Aqua:** Who?

**Mickey:** Didn't think so. Boy is it cool how the music just cuts out and all you hear is the wind...

**Aqua:** Hang on, I have to ignore the thing I've been longing for for literally ten years in favor of opening this treasure chest.

**Mickey:** For real?

**Aqua:** Elixir. Boss fountain. What do you want from me.

**Mickey:** Point.

**Aqua:** OKAY LET'S GO BACK INTO THE LIGHT LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO.

**Mickey:** Excited?

**Aqua:** ...No, why would you say that. *walks into the light* Ah, that feels so good...Oh, this is where I met those shit kids.

**Mickey:** No, this is part of the end of KHI.

**Aqua:** Yeah, the remains of Destiny Islands.

**Mickey:** Oh. But yeah, this is what a planet looks like after it's been imploded, I guess.

**Aqua:** Here's a flashback of me talking to a couple of shit kids. I considered passing my Keyblade on to them, but Terra had already made one of them touch his, so I didn't.

**Mickey:** ...Um—

**Aqua:** Yes I know how it sounds.

**Mickey:** Okay, glad we got that out of the way....Wait. Name those shit kids. Right the fuck now.

**Aqua:** Sora and Riku. Both boys, in case you were wondering, since both names seem to be unisex.

**Mickey:** Oh, the main characters of the franchise. I figured. Awesomesauce.

**Aqua:** Wait, what?

**Mickey:** Yeah, they're universe-savers now. Or they're about to be if the rest of the first game pans out like it's supposed to.

**Aqua:** ... _Both_ of them?

**Mickey:** Yeppers! And if _they_ conveniently got the Keyblade here...That means that the one I've been looking for could be here too!

**Aqua:** I _instantly_ know it's in the Secret Place — what was that.

**Mickey:** Incoming boss fight. I suggest we get my new weapon first.

**Aqua:** That works. *follows him up there* Little reluctant to go back _into_ a cave, but...

**Mickey:** If you look past that palm tree—

**Demon Tide:** *shoots out of the cave past the palm tree*

**Aqua:** —YOU'LL SEE A FUCKTON OF HEARTLESS!

**Mickey:** Oh please, it's just one Demon Tide.

**A metric fuckton of Shadows:** THIS CANNOT CONTINUE. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE.

**Aqua:** ...I don't even care, I'm just going to enjoy the fact that I'm fighting in the sunlight for the first time in a decade.

**Mickey:** That is a HUGE healthbar.

**Aqua:** So it is.

**Demon Tide:** *is kind of just a better stronger Demon Tower, still made up of a fuckton of Shadows and shit*

**Mickey:** Hey, did you know that Yoko Shimomura does awesome fucking music?

**Aqua:** D'you know I _did?_

**Mickey:** Wait 'till you see what she did with the OST for FFXV!

**Aqua:** We're up to fifteen now? Wow...Hey, how did Versus XIII end up being, that was the one I was most excited about before falling into darkness and I know Shimomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama was doing the music for that as well. Kun.

**Mickey:** Holy shit, that really was eleven years ago now, wasn't it. Actually, that was in development hell for so long that it eventually _became_ XV.

**Aqua:** Oh! How is it?

**Mickey:** It's the perfect example of something being overall fantastic even if a single aspect of it is objectively not great.

**Aqua:** Do I want to know?

**Mickey:** Okay, you know how in most old-school Final Fantasy games you're only allowed to go to a select few locations and as you progress the story the entire planet eventually opens up for you to explore to your heart's content?

**Aqua:** Yeah?

**Mickey:** Well XV's basically the reverse of that. Once you get to Chapter Three you can pretty much spend over fifty hours doing almost literally everything in the game _except_ head to Lestallum like the plot demands. The story in the first several chapters is kind of all over the place; if you don't bother listening to the radio ever, then you're actually missing out on really key plot details, a disturbingly easy aspect to miss out on. This is all because, despite being in development hell for ten years, it was actually only being developed for three, and it was still unfinished; there had to be movie and anime side content to explain what the characters and setting even are, and they're _still_ coming out with DLC to flesh the story out even _more_. I'd say it's not until you reach Altissia in Chapter Nine that things get more linear and suddenly really fucking good. From there it's a spectacular game (give or take Chapter Thirteen; people overhyped it for me to be the worst thing ever and I didn't find it to be nearly that bad), but I can see the sudden scope of so much side content being a deal breaker for some people if they're just not into that. Plus again with the harder to follow story in the beginning.

**Aqua:** But the rest of it makes up for that?

**Mickey:** Like you wouldn't believe. As soon as you accept that it's really just a road trip with ya boys, it's a really good title, plus it easily has one of the best and definitely the most intimidating villain I've seen in all the Final Fantasy titles I've personally played. I would legitimately consider XV a console seller. Which is why it was the third game I played after getting a PS4.

**Aqua:** Starting with _Nier: Automata_ I get, but was that _Uncharted_ spin-off really _that_ great? It kinda seemed like just another Uncharted game, frankly. Which, they're more than above average, but...

**Mickey:** I'm a huge Claudia Black fan, what do you want from me.

**Aqua:** I instantly accept your decisions. Hey, we got it down to nearly half health!

**Mickey:** All right, let's do some cutscene shenanigans! *jumps on top of the Demon Tide* Sending 'em your way!

**Aqua:** Okay! _INCARCERUS!_ *hovers as giant orange chains surround her and move up the Master's Defender at the Demon Tide so that they're compacted into a giant sphere of Shadows surrounded by chains* There, that should make things slightly easier...Oh my god, this is what Terra was doing with Terranort earlier!

**Mickey:** Oh god, _stop!_

**Aqua:** What? No, no!

**Mickey:** You're wrong, I'm sure!

**Aqua:** Well!

**Mickey:** It's easy to feel right when you don't know what happened!

**Demon Tide:** *is slightly easier to hit in this form, but it doesn't last forever as eventually the chains fade away and they're back to their spiraling mass of like a million dudes*

**Aqua:** Think we're down to like a third of its health now...what is happening.

**Demon Tide:** *sinks into the sand and turns the entire ground an inky black, then rises up in a twister of Shadow Heartless protecting a glowing orange sphere also full of Shadows at its center*

**Mickey:** Damn it, they made the sky go away. Now it's like we're still in the realm of Darkness.

**Aqua:** No it's not, this has a red color pallet, still a huge change of pace for me, I'll take what I can get, I like color changes. Like, a _lot._

**Mickey:** Fair enough. Shit, what is exploding?

**Aqua:** YOU!

**Demon Tide:** *shoots globs of Shadow spheres out of the top of their twister formation that sink into the ground and leap up like fish trying to attack yo face*

**Aqua:** This is getting implausibly evil.

**Demon Tide:** *surrounds a small circular area trapping Aqua and Mickey in the center and swirls around while more Shadow spheres come out of the sand and try to murder everyone. And by everyone I mean like two dudes*

**Mickey:** *bursts into song*  
 _In the eye of a hurricane_  
 _There is quiet_  
 _For just a moment_  
 _A crimson sky_

**Aqua:** Still more of a tornado, guy.

**Mickey:** BITCH LET ME SING MAH LIN-MANUEL LYRICS, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU'VE CUT ME OFF.

**Aqua:** Yeah, 'cause it's funny. *eventually helps kill it* Wait why did my health go up. Oh fuck, that thing's not actually still alive, is it!?

**Mickey:** You better be wrong. I'm throwing you out the window if you're right. I am fully convinced that the Demon Tower will live on...never.

**Aqua:Mickey:** In any case, the sky's back to normal again. Now let's move away from it and head into this deep dark cave.

**Aqua:** Hurgle-flurp. *follows Mickey in anyway* Aww, that carving's cute.

**Mickey:** Let's check out this door with no visible way to open it. *both he and Aqua push it open with no issue whatsoever* ...Oh.

**Kingdom Key D:** *is floating in the middle of a circular stone room*

**Aqua:** ...A key of _darkness._ That's glowing brighter than the fucking _sun_ outside. Sure, why not.

**Mickey:** Yay, the exact explanation that I'm sure some nerds were looking for as to why I used Star Seeker in the prequels and only used Kingdom Key D ever after!

**Aqua:** Even though I've been down here longer...Welp, you did specifically set out to find it, who am I to take that away from you.

**Mickey:** Don't know if I can use it automatically just by taking it instead of having it bestowed upon me, but only one way to find out I guess. *takes it* As I repeat myself about needing two keys to lock the door to this Dark Dimension.

**Aqua:** I mean, at least it sounds like you're reciting something from somewhere. Even though I now sound confused for some reason even though you've explained everything like three times or whatever.

**Mickey:** ...Yeah, about this particular exit...It won't actually let any light out of it. It's _just_ spilling out darkness. I don't think you'll be able to get out this way.

**Aqua:** ...Okay. Universe comes first. I get that.

**Mickey:** The other reason is that you need someone on either side so it can truly be locked from both sides.

**Aqua:** M'kay. You already claimed the key so I'll hold it shut or whatever.

**Mickey:** ...Have you not played the first game? It's _so_ not gonna be you.

**Aqua:** ...The fuck did you find the time to talk to him and talk him into doing this.

**Mickey:** Funny story about that—aaaand now shit's collapsing.

**Aqua and Mickey:** GAAAH MY RETINAS! *are transported to a _very_ familiar location that's obviously the area right inside Kingdom Hearts: Door Edition at the end of KHI* ...Why did we just teleport like that?

**Aqua:** Also weren't you dressed differently in the first game when this happened?

**Mickey:** I believe I was. Wonder how that's gonna work out.

**Kingdom Hearts: Door Edition:** *is still cracked open*

**Aqua:** WHY IS THAT DOOR CALLED KINGDOM HEARTS, I THOUGHT THAT WAS A MOON.

**Mickey:** Nobody fucking knows anymore, don't even bother. All you need to know is we close this, we save the universe.

**Aqua:** Good enough for me.

**Mickey:** Good, 'cause I think KHI just ended and Xehanort's Heartless was just engulfed in light, making Master Xehanort one step closer to actually coming back as a baddie. But never mind that right now. With this Kingdom Key D and Sora's Kingdom Key Classic, we'll be able to solve the video game.

**Aqua:** Wait, I specifically _didn't_ give Sora any Keyblade powers because Riku already had them! How did _he_ get a Keyblade, did Ven come after we did? Seems likely, we were always just missing each other if our plotlines didn’t directly intersect…

**Mickey:** Shut up and wait for Riku with me, he'll be doing the closing on this end.

**Aqua:** ...I'm so fucking confused right now.

**Mickey:** Here's Riku now! LET'S HOPE HE NEVER NOTICES YOU OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE OR ANYTHING, THAT WOULD JUST BE WACKY.

**Riku:** *is running for the door* Hey, remember how it was implied that if BBS ever had a sequel, we would see what I was up to during my section of KHI? Yeeeeaaaah, fuck right off with that shit, it's not important.

**Mickey:** And I psychically know that Sora, Donald, and Goofy have begun to push from the other side—

**Demon Tide:** STILL NOT DEAD, FUCKERS!

**Mickey:** ...We all lose but I was the biggest loser.

**Aqua:** *runs ahead of him* HEY! *casts Bind on the Demon Tide again and holds it at bay as a completely oblivious Riku runs toward the door*

**Mickey:** I'll just stand here and watch!

**Aqua:** ...Or you could _seal the fucking door!?_

**Mickey:** But I wanna save you and shit!

**Aqua:** WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO — Damn, bind wore off.

**Demon Tide:** *slams into Mickey before swinging back around for Aqua*

**Mickey:** *falls to the ground, his shirt dissolving* Hey _fuck_ you guys! You stole my things and humans!

**Demon Tide:** *carries Aqua back through the door to the remains of Destiny Islands*

**Door:** *closes and vanishes*

**Demon Tide:** *drops Aqua back off on the beach*

**Aqua:** ...Well at least it's just a cutscene battle. And I just realized that...I mean, I could be very wrong about this, but usually media, especially Japanese media, is far more concerned with _women_ strategically losing their clothes than men. Considering what just happened to Mickey, and all of the damage _I've_ taken up to this point, I'm surprised I'm not fucking _naked_ right now but for my thigh highs and sleeves or some shit. As it is I can still see me losing my weird waist scarf and the blades on my boots at some point, those are just cumbersome. *is jumping around and fighting the Demon Tide while giving this inner monologue* And I have now accepted that I'm gonna be here for a while longer yet and it's gonna be really hard to make it out of here, but if I can do my small part in making sure the universe doesn't collapse in on itself, that's enough for me. If anyone else happens to fall down here, I will use my Wayfinder as a homing device so we can meet up and possibly plot our escape maybe. Because I _am_ getting out of here one day, and I _will_ be okay when I do.

**Demon Tide:** *is swirling counter-clockwise in the sky in a giant spiral formation

**Master Aqua:** *faces the swirling Demon Tide head-on, Master's Defender in hand* I am Master Aqua. Fuckin' fight me. *slices at the Demon Tide with a flash of light that then fades to black*

~AQUA. IS. BEST. WAIFU. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED.~

**Mickey:** *is still standing there shirtless* ...Aqua...Probably should have been way more panic-stricken at the end of KHI considering what just happened...OH WELL, BACK TO FINISHING THE FIRST GAME.

**Darkside:** And now I am dead. *is dead*

**Mickey:** HOW BATMAN WAS THAT! *is emitting a shimmering golden glow* Look at my sick-ass Keyblade! Mine's gold with a gold Keychain and a silver hand guard, while Sora's is silver with a silver Keychain and a gold hand guard! They're polar opposites! Geddit? Do ya geddit? It means you can close it from that side and I can close it from this side! Permanently!

~...Wait, was this whole game made for the sole purpose of explaining why Mickey was only wearing shorts in his first appearance!?~

**Master Aqua:** *lays on the beach* Just beat that Demon Tide for good off-screen while the first game ended. Good for me. *closes eyes and listens to “Always On My Mind” from the original KHI OST* Hmm...You know what girls love? Soft-ass piano music and the death of the earth.

**Clouds:** *fly by through compressed time to illustrate that a buttload of time is passing until it becomes night and the stars come out*

**Master Aqua:** ...So according to Mickey, this is the first time I've seen the stars in ten years. Maybe even more, now. Hey, remember in the BBS prologue where we all lamented the fact that that was the last time we got to look at the stars together? THAT'S WHAT I'M CONTINUING TO LAMENT NOW!

**Particles of light:** *fall from the sky, indicating that Destiny Islands is reforming*

**Master Aqua:** Yep, game complete. Boo-yah.

**Destiny Islands:** *fades away from under her as it's reformed in the Realm of Light*

**Master Aqua:** *lets it dissolve from under her with a smile on her face as she fades into the abyss once more* I just realized that I don't have Master Ecivresnaf's Keyblade on me anymore. Boy would it suck if I left it behind; that probably won't lead to anything good for me. Though I supposed it could serve as a kind of clue as to where I was last seen should some plucky young lad come along and find it one day... *reaches out and her hand sparkles briefly before she completely sinks*

**Credits:** ...WELL _THAT_ WAS UPLIFTING, NOW WASN'T IT!?

**Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth By Sleep -A Fragmentary Passage- title card:** ...Yep. That was pretty much it.

~And now for the scene that you knew would happen next.~

**Ansem the Wise:** I now have an Organization XIII cloak because shut up. Ocean pretty…

**Master Aqua:** HOLY FUCK ANOTHER PERSON. COME TO ME, HUMAN INTERACTION, SOMETHING I HAVEN'T HAD FOR TEN YEARS EVEN THOUGH I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITH MICKEY AND BYPASSED RIKU. *walks up to Ansem*

~...THAT WAS SHORT.~


	4. Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Welp, Now That I'm Done With All Completed KH Crap For The Forseeable Future, Guess It's Time To Get Back On The Old HP Train Come September:** _Glee,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, _Family Guy, Metal Gear Solid, Pokémon, Harry Potter, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Farscape,_ and anything ever owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~...Oh right, completely forgot this had a framing device.~

**Mickey:** And that's what you missed on _Glee._

**Riku:** ...How did you know about the parts you weren't there for.

**Mickey:** Hey whatever man, fuck you, I'm not perfect. No one's perfect in this world.

**Riku:** More to the point, I can't believe I didn't hear her fighting dudes right behind me or at least see her out of my peripheral vision or anything! ALSO WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT SOMEONE WHO SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE.

**Mickey:** Because when KHI happened she didn't exist yet and this was just a way to “properly” shoehorn her into the continuity — I mean it was her life and her choice and I chose to respect that because I'm not a complete fucking asshat.

**Riku:** Yeah that's great, I still would've wanted to _know_ so that maybe I could've helped plan her eventual escape or something! Also possibly immediate escape, that would have been good to do.

**Mickey:** YOU THINK I _WANTED_ TO LEAVE HER THERE!?

**Riku:** YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED HER NAME _ONCE_ IN ELEVEN YEARS!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Shut the fuck up and listen. In the moment, your choices were to stop the implosion of the universe, which seemed pretty imminent, or to go back and help someone who far outclasses you anyway, probably only becoming a hindrance in the process. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and few understand that better than Master Aqua. Also some kind of plot contrivance bullshit about how it's impossible to drag her back to this dimension anyway. _I'm_ the one who told Mickey to shut the fuck up about Aqua's very existence.

**Riku:** Which still makes no sense.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Sora's saving-people-thing.

**Riku:** ...Screw you, guy who was totally right!

**Mickey:** And now that eleven years have passed and possibly because you yourself are now a Keyblade Master, we now spontaneously have the ability to get her the fuck out of that hellhole.

**Riku:** HOW NARRATIVELY CONVENIENT!

**Mickey:** Yep, and I'm sure she'll be perfectly fine when we get her out of there, too. This whole sequence ended with her holding such a position of strength after ten years of solitude in such a place of darkness; I'm sure the one or two years extra can't have fucked with her too badly. Well, not unless the villain faction capitalize on the thing established last game where they track people with Xs on their clothes, especially since Master Aqua was still wearing that pink one over her tits the last time I saw her, which is the only way I can picture things going horribly wrong without more information, but what are the odds of that happening!?

**Kairi:** Oh yeah, I finally love the new haircut with these new graphics.

**Riku:** Oh good, I was worried about that.

**Kairi:** Yeah you were, you were flipping your shit like pancakes.

**Riku:** I love pancakes.

**Kairi:** Also your saving-people-thing appears to be growing stronger. You are become Sora. Which is making you even more attractive to me. OT3, let's go.

**Riku:** I am pretty sure that I am okay with that.

**Noiti Sopxe:** This teenage possible romance bullshit is so fucking boring...

**Kairi:** Okay, so what's my role in this again? Am I gonna be sent out to fight weaker dudes and travel from world to world as I slowly level up, gain experience, and make new friends, possibly with Daisy and Max by my side or something?

**Riku:** Wow, that sounds like a great premise, I would play the shit outta that—

**Noiti Sopxe:** You and Lea are going back to your home planet to be trained by Merlin. Or at least the training will possibly take place on your home planet, it's actually not a hundred percent clear. That rock looking over the forest looked nice, though.

**Kairi:** I'm not caught up on the lore, who's Lea?

**Mickey:** Axel.

**Kairi:** Well that's fine but I don't see how that affects _WHAAAAAAAAAAAH!?_

**Mickey:** Yeah, his Heartless was killed at some point and then obviously his Nobody done asploaded, so he's normal now. Actually saved the day at the end of 3D.

**Kairi:** ...You guys _do_ know he kidnapped me once, right?

**Riku:** No shut up it's fine.

**Kairi:** Okay your story checks out.

**Mickey:** Riku, we goin' or what?

**Riku:** Huh? Oh, yeah.

**Mickey:** Okay, first we hafta wait for another planet to implode so we can actually get to the Dark Dimension again, unless you have a better idea—

**Noiti Sopxe:** Hold up, don't you want your new costume changes for next game?

**Riku and Mickey:** ...Yes. Yes we would.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Good, cuz I got the Sleeping Beauty fairies to do the thing. *conjures two suitcases on his desk* Now it's very important that you don't open these until the corresponding KHIII trailers come out, okay?

**Riku and Mickey:** *pick up their respective suitcases* Sure, gotta build up that impatient anticipation even more, got it.

**Riku:** *swings his suitcase over his shoulder* 0.2 trailer shot!

**Mickey:** Aaaaaand we're off!

**Kairi:** I'm going to see you off, apparently.

**Shooting stars outside the Mysterious Tower windows:** WE'RE SHOWING OFF EVEN PRETTIER GRAPHICS WHILE ALSO BEING A CONVENIENT SEGUE FOR THE PASSAGE OF TIME!

**Donald:** What the fuck just happened, I feel like we missed a huge plot dump.

**Sora's feet:** *are running up the stairs* Whatever, I'm sure it wasn't important. To anyone. At all. Ever.

**Goofy:** ...So what were you doing while you were gone, anyway?

**Sora:** Uh, I went to Traverse Town, and then I immediately left Traverse Town. *opens the door to Noiti Sopxe's office* Kept you waiting, huh?

**Noiti Sopxe:** You sure did.

**Sora:** ...Did everyone already leave to do their own B plots during KHIII?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Pretty much.

**Sora:** Aww, we're not gonna meet up for a while, are we.

**Donald:** It's your own fault for wanting to play with your Pokéymans some more!

**Sora:** What's wrong with saying good-bye to people!?

**Donald:** The general idea of it!?

**Sora:** *leans down* You do not get to be angry with me, you piece of shit. I will eat your larynx.

**Noiti Sopxe:** If you two are done making out, we can get to the real setup of KHIII.

**Sora:** Why do I have a very strong feeling that we're about to go through what we already know. *stands at attention anyway*

**Noiti Sopxe:** We need to gather together seven warriors of light to combat the thirteen warriors of darkness, but we gotta wake half of 'em up first. We have discussed this before, Sora.

**Sora:** THEN WHY ARE WE GOING OVER IT AGAIN.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Because your intelligence level is about equal to Naruto's, so we have to slow everything to a crawl and go everything over five times with multiple flashbacks until even a two-year-old could understand.

**Sora:** ...I don't think I've ever been more insulted in my life.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Hey remember when forces beyond our control caused you to totally bomb your final exam last game?

**Sora:** Vividly...

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yeah, know how you were nearly possessed by the main bad guy and how you also generally suck at everything?

**Sora:** ...There's this thing called _positive_ reinforcement, you know...

**Noiti Sopxe:** Pfft, I know, right!? I only tease you because you being wrong is joyful for everyone!

**Donald and Goofy:** Wow. Is this, like, the state of affairs today?

**Sora:** Yep. Way to come up with a bullshit excuse for sending me back to level one with few to no abilities at the start of KHIII. This _literally_ happens all the time, I'm basically used to it by now.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Tragedy, ain't it.

**Donald:** Well there's no reason for _us_ to be powered down, at least—

**Noiti Sopxe:** And yet.

**Donald:** HEY _FUCK_ YOU, MAN!

**Noiti Sopxe:** So we still have even _more_ lore to parse through, which Chip and Dale are analyzing right now and I'm sure it'll come up at _some_ point in KHIII. Unfortunately, you're still the main character, so we have to rely on you for literally everything else.

**Sora:** No pressure, got it.

**Noiti Sopxe:** What? No, _all_ of the pressure. You need to go out into the universe and go through a bunch of level up shit again so that you have another chance of earning that shiny diploma, only after which I will have faith in your ability to do what needs to be done. No electives this time, just learn to wake people up. You know, that thing you utterly fucked up last time?

**Sora:** Yes, I _get it._

**Noiti Sopxe:** I don't think you do. Which is why I'm sending you somewhere where there's a dude who lost all his power and then eventually regained it. You know the guy I'm talking about, right? Should I add that he's a _true hero_ to emphasize my point?

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Sora:** ...We talkin' Hercules?

**Noiti Sopxe:** … *heavy sigh* Yes...

**Sora:** Wait...Did that poorly-written bullshit during KHII actually have long-reaching effects on the plot!?

**Noiti Sopxe:** So it would seem.

**Sora:** I am now so pumped that I will do poses for no reason! Sure hope that there's more to that planet than just the tournaments and the Underworld, though...and that the planet'll actually be _populated_...

**Donald:** And wouldn't you know it, we're his sidekicks again.

**Goofy:** Yep. Who'da seen that comin'.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Literally everyone.

**Sora:** Oh boy. I can't wait. *forcibly hugs the other two*

**Donald:** I'm gonna be more useful than ever!

**Sora:** I'll believe that when I see it.

**Goofy:** I had so much faith in your ability to pass that exam. And then you didn't...

**Sora:** ...I think this is the first time in eight games that I have legitimately been angry with _you_ of all people. *stops hugging them immediately*

**Donald:** Also you're short.

**Goofy:** Taller'n me, though! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** Who cares, _next game is gonna be the last game apart from the constantly updating mobile one._ *sticks his hand out*

**Goofy:** SOLID NUMBERED TITLE WITH NO OTHER SUBTITLE, LET'S GO! *places his hand on top of Donald's*

**Sora:** Oh just because our gameplay's almost always been great, this demo looks and probably feels super good, and our whole number titles are always the best to play, you think this game's actually gonna be _fun_ or something. *puts his hand on top of theirs* ...Should I still have these straps crossing themselves on my hands or over my crotch, or should I also get a different outfit that does away with these so the Xehanort collective hive mind can't track me anymore?

**Noiti Sopxe:** I don't care, now get out of my house.

~What a nice person, I do ever so hope we run into him again in the next game.~

**Classic Gummi Ship, the Dickbutt:** *is now traveling in the vacuum of space*

**Sora:** If the Mysterious Tower was part of Twilight Town, then Olympus Coliseum should be over to our left. Why isn't it there anymore.

**Donald:** I am visibly upset and impatient.

**Goofy:** This is way more spacious than I thought it was...Also all the routes Sora took so much time and effort to unlock in KHII appear to be closed now, making all of that a massive waste of time. So...Iunno, follow your heart or something.

**Donald:** What he said! Do the thing!

**Sora:** Could really use Captain Jack Sparrow's compass right about now...

**Donald:** GET SERIOUS!

**Goofy:** Can't, this doesn't cross over with Warner Brothers properties.

**Donald:** OH FUCK OFF.

**Goofy:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

**Sora:** Would you two shut up, I'm trying to concentrate.

**Goofy:** Just picture the planet and the four people who we know live there. Then we'll instantly know how to find them!

**Sora:** Not sure that's how that works. If it was, KHI wouldn't have been nearly as long as it was. *gets up and walks around — NONE OF THEM ARE WEARING SEAT BELTS THIS IS A TERRIBLE CHILDREN'S GAME* Maybe if I strike another pose... *strikes a pose*

**Donald:** And I expect that to have instantly worked.

**Sora:** You would be incorrect. Also this is PS4 era shit, why am I still gesticulating this wildly in order to articulate a point.

**Donald:** And now I have a sad. You can see it on my sad face.

**Goofy:** May your heart be your guiding key.

**Sora:** ...Gwah?

**Goofy:** Saw it in a movie once. Also Noiti Sopxe used to say it right before we went on any important adventures, which just proves what huge wastes of time every other game was since he never once said it in any of them, including this time. Probably because it wasn't even thought up until UX started to get made so now I'm just pulling shit outta my ass.

**Donald:** Which is most likely why I've never heard that phrase in my life.

**Sora:** There's got to be some reason why it only just came up now...Almost as if this is the real kick-off to KHIII right here... *shrugs* Maybe I should just summon my Keyblade, it always solves everything else. *goes to the front of the cockpit and summons Kingdom Key* WHY IS IT ALWAYS KINGDOM, I'VE PUT SO MANY KEYCHAINS ON IT, WHY DO I KEEP LOSING THEM. *points it directly in front of him*

**Kingdom Key:** *opens the window*

**Donald:** DAMN IT, SORA!

**Sora:** Oops. *restores it* Okay, there we go...

**Wormhole:** *spontaneously appears*

**Donald and Goofy:** ...Uh...Canaveral?

**Sora:** *sits back down* ALL RIGHT! BEGINNING OF KHIII, HERE WE COME! *predictably bursts into song*  
 _I am on my way_  
 _I can go the distance_  
 _I don't care how far_  
 _Somehow I'll be strong_  
 _I know every mile_  
 _Will be worth my while_  
 _I would go most anywhere to find where I belong_

**Donald and Goofy:**   
_Doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo—_

**Sora:**   
_Like a shooting star_   
_I can go the distance_   
_I will search the world_   
_I will face its harms_   
_I don't care how far_   
_I can go the distance_   
_'Till I find my hero's welcome_   
_Waiting in..._   
_Your arms_

**Dickbutt:** *goes through the wormhole which vanishes*

**Reconnect. Kingdom Hearts:** *appears on screen as usual*

~...Fuck. I'm technically done until UX finishes and KHIII's out. This is, uh, this is kinda weird...WELL SEE YA.~


End file.
